Does it Matter { YES }

"Exposed" 8"x 8" BW Photo processed with Textures
Some of us take a downward path to salvation. "There are people born to be martyrs of the world and of their own time, of their own cultures; religions; and beliefs- people whose imaginations carry them beyond all that we know or have learned to think of as law and order; who are so intoxicated with a vision of beauty beyond the world that the world's beauty seems to them but a little paint above the face of the dead; who love God with a so consuming fire that they must praise evil for God's glory, and blaspheme His name that all sects and creeds may be melted away... " ~F.P. Sturn
There are some of us who are willing to take the risk and move on, exposing ourselves completely in order to follow the path we know we must take, despite the ridicule and opinions others opposed to our decisions throw at us.

When the night falls, I spend time outside looking up at the moon, knowing what I love will be waiting there, at the back. The moon, is bright tonight, the pale light, soft and warm, the air is still laced with hints of summer. When I lay down to sleep I strain my ears to listen for the song of the last cricket of the season before winter's slumber takes it away. A sullen lullaby, but I find it comforting because that song sounds the way my soul feels-alone. Lately, I feel burdened by the suppressing thoughts of; not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being enough.

I feel exposed, in full view, in front of everyone. I am going through a lot of tough changes, I feel alone and being alone terrifies me so much- I spent years alone even when in the company of others. I have a lot of pride, I don't want to rely on others, I want to prove that I can be someone. But, 
do I have to do it completely alone? Is asking for help a form of giving up and waving a white flag of surrender? Is it wrong? Will people think less of me if I admit, that I need help? 

I have a small support group and one really, really amazing friend who gets where I am at, as he is at the same sort of crossroads himself. We walk in a world where we are both "half in" and "half out". This person has quickly become my best friend and is someone I can confide in, I am grateful for such a presence in my life, if only my friend knew how much, or maybe he does.

Still I find myself questioning, do I matter enough? Does any of it matter? What am I doing here? Really?! What?! I've messed my life up in such and insurmountable way, I'm struggling to survive. But the point is, I am surviving. I am going somewhere. Rome wasn't built in a day and the tortious beat the hare! Slow and steady progress wins the race, only in this case, it is not a race, it is more than that, much more, it is the rest of my life and I know happiness is out there and it is within my reach. But why do I fear so much? I need to beat fear and self doubt and step away from the expectations of other people. I need to be selfish in this case. I know what I want and in part, that terrifies me too.

I have found some reprieve again in my studio. I have an array of artwork strewn about the studio floor, all of it good but most not finished, or at least to my standards. My son has been on my mind a lot. I know that the constant anger and resentment that festers between myself and his father is not healthy for him. Things are beginning to affect him and I cannot continue this. Its not healthy for him and I need to get out and make my life better for both our sakes'. I need to make it happen. 

Last year at this time, I taught my son about harvesting our garden and canning our vegetables. This year, he asked if we'd being doing it again. I could only offer a sad smile and a comforting hug and a rather pathetic apology. Those are things I miss terribly too, but managing a household, a toddler, and what little time I have to work and get some money in my pockets is about all I have time for. Its hard when you are doing it all mostly by yourself. My father does help when can, but my parents live in Connecticut and I am here in Virginia, so its hard.  

My son and I looked over photos of our canning last year, the times we spend baking together, and we giggled, and we laughed. I held him and he held me. We talked about the crickets and the coming winter. We talking about ponies and turtles and suddenly I was reminded that yes, I matter, at least to him, I matter. His big blue eyes looked into mine, while he grabbed my cheeks and smooshed his lips against my forehead for a wet smooch that was followed by a plethora of, "I love you's!!!"

Tonight, I went to bed feeling a little more complete than I have been feeling lately.
My son; I need him, like I said, he is everything to me. He is my angel. He is my blessing. My anchor. 

Where do I go from here? And how? Actually, I know where I want to be, I don't know how to connect the dots and get there yet. Please help me?! 


  1. What a beautiful post. I'm sorry you are struggling, but you are right- slow and steady wins the race. You are amazingly talented and I know you will achieve great things!! Your son is very blessed to have you for his mother.

    1. Thank you for your kind words! It means a lot to hear such comments! I truly appreciate it :)


Post a Comment

Popular Posts