The Hurt { it's everything }

No, no, go not to Lethe, neither twist
       Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss'd
       By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
               Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
       Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
               Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
       For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
               And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
       Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
       And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
       Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
               Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
       Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
               And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
       And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
       Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight
       Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
               Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
       Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shalt taste the sadness of her might,
               And be among her cloudy trophies hung.
~By John Keats 1795–1821 

Sometimes there are no words that can adequately express the feelings emanating through your soul. Reverberating through every ounce and fiber of your being. That feeling that digs down to the very core, grips you in fear and pulls the weight of reality down on top of you.

Where are my colors to express this?
Where are the lines; the shape; the form?
Where are the words?

How does once relinquish the emensity of just wanting throw up your hands, let go, quit, lay down and die. That's how I feel this month and it is still only early October.

I feel lost.
I feel so much hurt.
I feel unloved.
I feel alone.
I feel afraid.
I feel raw.
I feel unhinged.
I feel nothing and everything.
I feel hopeless.
I feel the intensity of all these things.

Inescapable. If I have to live like this for the rest of my life, well, I'd rather not really live at all.

This month, October, used to be my all time favorite month, however, these past two and a half months have been agonizing and torturous. I have no desire to be stuck where I am, but I don't have the necessary means and tools to get out. I am much too prideful to ask for help.

The only thing I have to ensure I have some light in my life is my son.  He is what keeps me going and keeps my life worth living. He's all I got and I am failing him by being stuck where I am. I'm trying so hard to give him a life full of meaning and great moments. I want him to find the amazement and wonder in life I've lost and I want him to hold on to that and never lose it.

I never want him growing up to be like me.

I have two months before I leave on a long cruise spanning nearly half of January, yet, I am not excited, I am not actually looking forward to it. I kind of really don't want to go, I wish I had said no. What fun is going anywhere with the wrong company. I can't tolerate my family for more than 45 minutes.

I don't belong anywhere at least that is how I feel. More on this in another blog.

I took to my studio to quietly finish up my piece Melancholy. She was first started 1.5 years ago with the same emotions I am feeling now, I guess that's why I went back to her and finished her up. She was speaking and I was listening and together we finished. So, I feel better because of it, but I am still not myself and I am not sure when I will be. However, getting back to this piece was helpful and did, at least make me feel better.

Don't take me too seriously, this is just how I unleash and unwind and find a way to deal and heal. We all have these days, I am just more vocal and open about it, maybe you won't feel so alone- I hope it helps you to see you are not alone.


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